I normally keep my blog light and fun. I don't share tons of deep heartfelt emotions. I like to keep that personal. So with saying that, I do not share this lightly. I debated whether or not to put this on here but I feel that I need to get it all out. My mind can not stop thinking about my heartbreak. I know that we have to experience sorrow in order to appreciate the good. Sometimes it is so hard to experience the sorrow.
As many of you know or maybe you dont know my husband and I having been trying to have kids.....adopt kids......just get kids period! And as many as you know it has been pretty difficult for us. Normally I can buck up and get over it. Keep my chin up and keep going. However, after this last heartbreak it has been more difficult for me.
I dont want to get into a lot of detail. We have been trying to adopt a little girl for the past couple of years. This week were suppose to finally get her!! I have been excited but cautious due to our past experinces. However, as time went on this past week it seemed my dream of wanting to be mother was finally coming true. Once again though, we have hit a wall. It is one that we can possible get over but it is a big wall that is going to take time.
I know most of you are saying....but Amanda you can get over a wall. you can go around it or knock it down. Sometimes I feel I don't have the strength to do that anymore. It is hard to jump over the wall, get up , dust yourself off again, put your chin up and smile over and over again. I am tired and just want to lay down but there is panic in that.
People have often said to me isn't there peace in knowing that you have done everything you can....that there are no more what ifs or should I try this after you have done everything you possible can. There is but there is also panic there. When we first started this journey nearly seven years ago....we had tons and years of options in front of us. It is not like that anymore. We are on a one way street that is a no drive thru. I feel closed in at times and struggle with the urge to scream.
We have tried everything....years of infertility treatment....IVF....adoptions..... We are actually with an agency now and I have submitted on over 12 kids and not picked for one. I feel that for some reason the Lord has a sheet over our family. Like he is making us invisible for some reason. I keep hoping and praying because it is for something even better than I can imagine. Like he is saving us for something special. However hope is a hard time to maintain. I hope I am making sense. I just feel I need to get this out there. I often have people share stories about friends they know who are in th same boat eventually got pregnant or adopted...or once they adopted got pregnant or go pregnant when they stopped trying. I want to scream at them and say "for every story you have I have one too of someone trying for years and never having kids." There are couples out there that are childless and I don't mean the ones by choice. It is just not in the cards for everyone. However, when I say that I get ...."well think of how many kids lives you can effect. A child does not have to be yours to effect them." I WANT MY OWN!!!! I love working with the youth but I want to be called mom or hear my kids running and screaming dad when my husband comes home. I want that.
I want to be a mother more than anything I know. I crave those evenings with children where we go to the park or play with the dog or get to take them on a fun family vacation. I even crave the hard times. The time where my children are sick and I do the things that my mother did to make me feel better or help mend their first heartbreak or check in on them while sleeping. I crave the school plays and dance recitals. I want it soooo bad and have this deep sinking feeling that it will never happen.
Right now.....I do not have the strength to pick myself up and dust myself off and try again right now. My strength will come back. I just need a little time to lie down for a little while. However, there is panic in that. time is slipping away. I hear people say over and over again...you are young...you have tons of time. However, we have been trying for 7 years....how much longer. We have goals. We have always wanted a big family and to be fairly young parents. Those plans seem done. It has taken us so long to even get one.
I am so sorry for the debbie downer mood. I just need to get it off my chest. My heart is breaking or broken. I know it will mend just needs time.
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About Me
- Amanda
- This is the comings and going of our little family. You won't find anything like rocket science or nobel peace winning stuff. Just a simple little blog about all the blessings, miracles, adventures, trials, and life that we experience. Thanks for stopping by to read and share in our life.
39 comments:
Amanda, I am so sorry. If there is anything I walked away knowing about you (even though we were both young and only knew each other a couple years) it was what a wonderful mother you'd be one day. My heart aches to know that you've been waiting for that one day, for seven years.
Having struggled with infertility for 2.5 (including a miscarriage), I have had a small piece of that sort of heartache. I know for me, it was like a build up of love in your heart - a love from a mother to their child - that was ready to bust from the seams, and had no where to go.
I think we grow up thinking that if we just do the "right" thing and are persistent - there isn't ANYTHING that we can't get. Infertility/adoption is so different. So much it outside your control. So many invisible working pieces.
You are right, there are many people who never build the family they had in their dreams. It is a hard reality that I think most people don't recognize. It is scary to think of the possibility, but people do lead fruitful and happy lives after deciding to stop trying for children.
But, you aren't there. And if ever you have to make a decision to move toward, you can do it after you've found peace about it in your heart.
For now, why not let your network of family and friends hope for you, pray for you so that you can spend a little time just saying that THIS STINKS. Its no good, awful, very bad stuff. It hurts. Its hard.
I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts. And keeping up the hope for you!
Thanks for sharing Amanda. Like Sarah, I'll hope for you too! And sometimes things just really do stink, and as they say you've got to call a spade, a spade.
I'd like to think that Heavenly Father really has someone special in mind for you and when the time comes, your cup will run over. - I'll hope and pray for that!
Way to vent girl!!!! It's OK to scream and cry and be mad!! You are one of those people that I can't picture without a smile on your face....and you have hit a down time and that is ok. So many prophets, apostles, and strong people in the church have "hit their wall" and been angry about something. Prayer and scripture will get you through this. I'm just so glad you know when to say uncle and vent!
Thanks for being an open and honest person and sharing your heartache, as much as I hate it for you. I don't have any magic words (nobody does) but I will pray for you and your husband, and trust that this too shall pass. We serve a faithful God who knows your heart's desires that you just shared with us better than anyone!
KEEPING UP THE HOPE FOR YOU.....
Keeping The HOPE for You!!!
KEEPING THE HOPE FOR YOU my dear friend!
Amanda, it is extremely brave to open yourself and put yourself, your struggle, and your heart's desire out there.
I will keep the hope for you when you feel as if it has evaporated. I will keep the faith for you when you feel as if it has slipped away. I will keep the hope for you because YOU are a remarkable woman and God has a plan for those that serve Him.
KEEPING UP THE HOPE FOR YOU!!
Amanda,
My heart breaks for you as well. I'm so so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. Your strength is such an example to me. I admire your example. I have no advice. You are handling this perfectly. Your time will come. It has too. It will. Keep the faith and hope girl. Love you tons!
Keeping the hope for you!!
Count me in as keeping the hope for you too Amanda. My heart breaks for those who wish to have children and are unable. Especially when it seems like so many times those of us who don't feel worthy to have kids are blessed with so many. So many of us are thinking of you.
Hi Amanda. Just wanted you to know that I am praying and KEEPING THE HOPE for you and Milton. :D
I know exactly how you feel. You've put into words what I only keep in my head. Except I've given up on praying to Heavenly Father about it. I don't doubt he hears me, only that he chooses to not do anything about it. I'm not sure why, but whatever his reason is, it's not good enough for me. We've done everything to prove that we're willing to take in any child at the drop of a hat and it always falls through. I can take a hint. I just don't bother ask for it anymore. It drives me crazy when people who have no idea how hard infertility is chastise infertile couples for "not trying to adopt all the unfortunate abused children in the state's custody". Well, let me tell you, we've tried that too and it's just as hard as private adoption. Unless you want to take in a troubled teenager, good luck finding any younger kids. We've been trying over eight years, fertility treatments, 2 adoption agencies, and getting nowhere. I don't have the hope or energy to keep trying. I can barely drag myself out of bed most days, it gets so depressing. I try to convince myself that we don't need children to have a happy life but we both want children so much, we can't move on. Sorry, I know I'm supposed to be offering you hope and encouragement, but I don't even have enough for me. Just wanted to let you know I understand where you're coming from.
KEEPING THE HOPE FOR YOU
I am so so sorry. I know only a taste
of what you are experiencing. Last year I got pregnant with my husband, after years of trying. We have three children but none are biologically both of ours. We lost the baby at 13 weeks and it was devastating. I am now 18 weeks pregnant and starting to believe this baby will be ours. I will say a prayer for you and hope your dreams come true in some way.
xo
I am sure you have looked at all options, but just in case, wanted to mention it is much 'easier' to adopt through fostering. My husband and I took the classes and were liscenced to do that very thing but ended up getting pregnant. I know a few women who have adopted babies or small children they took care of since birth through fostering. And it's very cheap, and you end up getting financial support too. xo
It's ok to lay down and rest. We all need a break from our burdens, whatever they may be.
Several years ago when my hubby had cancer and had surgery after surgery after surgery, i didn't see an end to it. Crying, I called my sister and I remember her telling me that our life is like a puzzle and only the Lord sees the whole thing. We only see the pieces that we are trying to put together. It helped me to have faith in knowing He knows when, where, why and how. And at the time that had to be enough. Nothing will take the mothering needs away from you except being a mother. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you make this journey that only you can make. God bless you and your hubby as you wait for those lucky, lucky children that will be yours!
Keeping up the hope for you! Hang in there.
Keeping the hope for you!
Take time to mourn... I am so sorry things have been so rough for you! God has a plan...Give it to Him COMPLETELY and let go. He WILL heal you and bring you peace...when you're ready. I LOVE YOU!! I'm keeping the hope for you!!!
Keeping the Hope for you!!! Lots of love and prayers are headed your way!!!!
Keep up the hope! Dreams come true everyday! Wishing great things for you and yours... :)
KEEPING THE HOPE FOR YOU!
love, Courtney
Keeping hope for you.
Plus prayers.
Keeping up the hope for you!
Amanda, I only know of you through a mutual friend, Courtney. I loved your post. I loved your honesty and the rawness of it. I related to your feelings of wanting to scream when someone tells you yet another success story. My struggles are very different than yours, but what I know about our loving Heavenly Father is that sometimes He knows that we need to endure difficult trials. I don't know how it will happen for you, but I suspect, that like many others, you will someday look back on this time in your life and be able to see just what purpose it served.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers this evening. Hang on and keep the faith, always saving room for His will in your heart.
Tina
Amanda, keeping the HOPE for you! You don't know me, but I've heard of your story through a mutual friend. All too often, women suffer in silence. No one talks about the heartache, the pain. Although my journey (2 years with 2 miscarriages) was only a fraction of the one you have been on, I know the heartache. Pain. Hopelessness. Allow yourself to let your emotions out when you need to. Cry. Scream. Take up kick boxing and give infertility a swift kick in the... Your family, friends and everyone else in between will keep the hopes, the dreams, the prayers alive for you. Hoping when your journey comes to an end, you have found peace with where the road has taken you and you can finally exhale.
Amanda, I'm a friend of Sarah's, and she told me about your blog. I just wanted you to know there are others out there that will listen to what you have to say without giving you well-intentioned, if frustrating to hear, advice like "Oh, it will happen in time!" or "You can just do such-and-such. Blah blah blah!" I've heard it all myself, and those comments do nothing to help. They just remind you of how helpless you feel.
I hope you get over this most recent wall you've encountered and come through smiling, with a child in your arms. You seem like a strong, courageous person from the little peek I've had into your world...definitely something to be admired!
KEEPING THE HOPE FOR YOU...
Amanda, I love you and Milton, I really love you. We all live with some heartache in this life and it doesn't seem fair, no matter what particular heartache we are called to bear. I have children, but I must live the rest of my life without my true love, my husband. I don't understand why. I need him, our children need him. Like you, I always wanted to be married and have children and here I am, 55 years old and will grow old without a companion. You are facing the rest of your life without children but have an absolutely wonderful husban. Would we be happier if WE could pick our own heartaches...I don't know. This poem is special to me, reminds me that we can't understand all things in this life, but eventually we will understand all things
"He Maketh No Mistake"
by A.M. Overton
My Father's way may twist and turn,
My heart may throb and ache,
But in my soul I'm glad to know,
He maketh no mistake.
My cherished plans may go astray,
My hopes may fade away,
But I'll trust my Lord to lead
For He doth know the way.
Tho' night be dark, and it may seem
That day will never break,
I'll pin my faith, my all in Him,
He maketh no mistake.
There's so much now I cannot see,
My eyesight's far too dim;
But come what may, I'll simply trust
And leave it all to Him.
For by and by the mist will lift
And plain it all He'll make,
Through all the way, tho' dark to me
He made not one mistake.
Amanda, I am a friend of Sarah's. I read your post and my heart breaks for you. I'm choking back the tears. I do know what it's like to so badly want to be a mommy and not have that happen for a very VERY long time. I'm 35 and I do finally have my own little dude, born just this past Christmas. I tear up pretty much every day at how lucky I am that he's here and I get to be his mommy.
Your post touched me when you said that you feel like God has a blanket over you guys, that you are invisible right now. It is so hard to fully trust that He has an awesome plan for you. We had 2 miscarriages back to back before our son came along. It took everything in me to not lay down and give up, to keep going, put a smile on my face, and trust His plan, whatever that was. The closer we got to 40, the more I felt the walls closing in, my heart shattering. And yet our little miracle is here, and he truly is a miracle, my pregnancy with him was scary and I thought we'd lose him several times.
I really do know how hard it is when I say, keep having faith, keep moving forward. You are a good person, you're friends with Sarah so that's how I know that. I don't know what or when, but I have faith that you are meant to touch a child's life in a profound way. I wish I could give you a hug, I'm doing it mentally.
I don't know if you are spiritual, but this passage helped get me thru a lot (not just on the kids front) and still does:
Provers 3::5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will set your paths straight."
Amanda,
I'm not only KEEPING THE HOPE,I'M
KEEPING THE FAITH.Because WE SERVE
AN AWESOME GOD and with that being said,I know that his timing is going to be right on time,not too
soon and not too late.Thats something that Grandma would always
tell me,and I could never see it,or
I should say I didnt understand it at the time but as time went on and I look back it wasnt my timing
but it was my Heavenly Fathers timeing in oh so many situations.All the trials and sorrows,disappointments there is nothing bigger then our HEAVENLY FATHER.WITH HIM ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE .WHAT A BEAUTIFUL PRAYER BEL LINDA SENT YOU. I LOVE YOU SO
MUCH keep your head up and keep smiling your such a strong loving
caring charming person both of you
are.I will keep praying for you both because PRAYER is THE ANSWER
Gail
Amanda, I love your beautiful smile! I also love the fact that you are willing to share your feelings of despair, disappointment and discouragement. It's great that you have the courage to pour out your heart in your blog so we can know of your dreams, desires, and determination. Thank you for sharing your life with us so we can pray for you. God is merciful and I'm positive that he will bless you. We just don't know how long we will have to wait. I love you. Wendy
Keeping the Hope for YOU!
I tried to comment on my in-laws computer while in Florida just after sarah, but it wouldn't let me! dang it! oh well, we are both praying for you. Hope it helps bear the burden of your heart. we love you!
...Hoping for you.
What a terrible disappointment and heartache and I'm so VERY sorry. I truly love your perspective that God is keeping you invisible because he has something that is perfect for you and he WILL direct you. That said, waiting is torture sometimes.
We went through four years of infertility, surgery, treatments, and miscarriages. I had my first at 34. People have often said to me, "Why didn't you have more?" Are you KIDDING? Do you know how blessed I was to get TWO??!! Not all of us crank them out like the Duggars, Lord bless them.
I will pray for peace and comfort for you but I will also pray God opens the doors that will lead to parenthood. May you keep your hope alive!!!!!
I just saw this post today. I know it's not from today, but I want to tell you my thoughts.
I have not experienced what you are going through, so I can't say anything about understanding, or knowing how you feel. But I can say, I hurt for you. I hurt with you. I can only imagine what those walls look like sometimes. I can only imagine right now you might feel like you are staring a a thick brick wall, eye to eye, nose to nose, righ in front of you. Sure you people say go over around or under, but I can only imagine how tired you must feel. I think about standing there looking up, and seeing how very tall that wall is. Looking left and right, seeing that wall go on so far it seems imposible to go around. Standing there with no tools to help you dig under. I imagine standing there and just wanting to sit down, cry, and say I can't do it this time. But also feeling that panic you talk about.
Amanda, don't give up. It must be unbearable, but don't give up. Lay down, but just for a nap. Take a small break. When you wake up, you will feel renewed, stronger, ready again. And while you're sleeping, just like you said in your next post, we will all be here. We will hoping for you, praying for you, hurting for you. When the time comes, we will help you get over that wall. Even if all we can do is pray and send our love. I know it's not much, I know there's not a whole lot we can do, but please know how much you are loved. Please know how much we all hope for you, too. I want you to know, even though we don't know each other very much, I think about you a lot. Sometimes, you pop into my mind and I think how lucky I am to know you. Or sometimes I'll just say a little prayer for you. Other times, I think about you for a while, and just ask Lynsie how you are.
I know there are so many stories about people who eventually have children, but I know there are so many other stories out there, too. I can't wait to see what you do with this new blog and all these ideas you have. Here is to hope!! I love you, Amanda!
I love you.
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