I am so overwhelmed with support. I have felt each of you wrap your arms around me and give me a great big hug. Words can not express the love that I have felt these couple of days. I have felt so much strength and support. It is amazing the response that I have gotten. I hope everyone knows that I did not write that blog for recognition or attention. It was simply what my heart was screaming. I now feel like I know why I was meant to write it. There was purpose and a plan in it. One that can only be divinely inspired. As I blogged my previous entry I felt a release. I pondered a long time how to express the emotions I was feeling. It can be so hard to express the roller coaster of emotions you feel. So much has happened since my blog post. A whole new movement has been started and a new fire light inside my heart.
One the way to work on Saturday I was talking to my mom about my blog. At that point I only had four comments. It was in the early morning and I was telling my mom how good it felt to finally put my feelings into words. As we spoke I talked to her about a particular comment that I took comfort in. It was the first comment by my friend Sarah. Sarah expressed it so much better than I can. What touched me was that I was feeling as if she was saying "Amanda that is what your friends and family is for. It is okay...you rest a while. Let your friends continue the hope of you. I am keeping the hope for you." It was a relief to hear that. When you are going through infertility you feel like you have to explore every avenue, have every answer, all the while having a smile on your face, faith and hope in your heart, and act as if nothing is bothering you. I get tired from smiling so much. So when Sarah gave me that permission....something I would not allow myself to do. I felt relief. I felt rest. A chance to lay down while others kept the hope for me.
I know this is turning into a long blog but again I feel the need to express the events that have transpired. Little did I know that my mom would start a movement for all my friends and family to let me know that they were "keeping the hope for me" From this my friend Rebekah started a facebook blog in honor of my husband and me called "Keeping the Hope for You." It is for couples, their friends, and family who are facing infertility and needs someone to keep the hope for them. Please encourage all of your friends who either know someone or are going through infertility to join this group.
This movement has sparked something inside of me. I feel like I know my purpose in experiencing infertility. There are so many blogs out there about infertility but all the ones I see are about the persons personal journey and what they are doing to try to have a child. Then what happens is they finally get a child and it is just one more person I know who has a child and I don't. Like I said that is my experience with infertility blogs. So everything that has transpired has sparked me to start a blog. It will be titled "keeping the hope for you." it will be for couples and their loved ones to help "keep the hope" I am working out all the kinks in it but it will different than the other blogs that I have seen. However, I do not want to stop at the blog. I am bursting with ideas and I am so excited. So send your family and friends to this blog because once I launch the new blog I will put a link to it on here and announce it. I will still have this blog but it will be my family personal daily dealings blog. Thanks for all of the shout outs and I hope you can keep the movement going. Get the word out. ....
Monday, July 5, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
HeartBroken
I normally keep my blog light and fun. I don't share tons of deep heartfelt emotions. I like to keep that personal. So with saying that, I do not share this lightly. I debated whether or not to put this on here but I feel that I need to get it all out. My mind can not stop thinking about my heartbreak. I know that we have to experience sorrow in order to appreciate the good. Sometimes it is so hard to experience the sorrow.
As many of you know or maybe you dont know my husband and I having been trying to have kids.....adopt kids......just get kids period! And as many as you know it has been pretty difficult for us. Normally I can buck up and get over it. Keep my chin up and keep going. However, after this last heartbreak it has been more difficult for me.
I dont want to get into a lot of detail. We have been trying to adopt a little girl for the past couple of years. This week were suppose to finally get her!! I have been excited but cautious due to our past experinces. However, as time went on this past week it seemed my dream of wanting to be mother was finally coming true. Once again though, we have hit a wall. It is one that we can possible get over but it is a big wall that is going to take time.
I know most of you are saying....but Amanda you can get over a wall. you can go around it or knock it down. Sometimes I feel I don't have the strength to do that anymore. It is hard to jump over the wall, get up , dust yourself off again, put your chin up and smile over and over again. I am tired and just want to lay down but there is panic in that.
People have often said to me isn't there peace in knowing that you have done everything you can....that there are no more what ifs or should I try this after you have done everything you possible can. There is but there is also panic there. When we first started this journey nearly seven years ago....we had tons and years of options in front of us. It is not like that anymore. We are on a one way street that is a no drive thru. I feel closed in at times and struggle with the urge to scream.
We have tried everything....years of infertility treatment....IVF....adoptions..... We are actually with an agency now and I have submitted on over 12 kids and not picked for one. I feel that for some reason the Lord has a sheet over our family. Like he is making us invisible for some reason. I keep hoping and praying because it is for something even better than I can imagine. Like he is saving us for something special. However hope is a hard time to maintain. I hope I am making sense. I just feel I need to get this out there. I often have people share stories about friends they know who are in th same boat eventually got pregnant or adopted...or once they adopted got pregnant or go pregnant when they stopped trying. I want to scream at them and say "for every story you have I have one too of someone trying for years and never having kids." There are couples out there that are childless and I don't mean the ones by choice. It is just not in the cards for everyone. However, when I say that I get ...."well think of how many kids lives you can effect. A child does not have to be yours to effect them." I WANT MY OWN!!!! I love working with the youth but I want to be called mom or hear my kids running and screaming dad when my husband comes home. I want that.
I want to be a mother more than anything I know. I crave those evenings with children where we go to the park or play with the dog or get to take them on a fun family vacation. I even crave the hard times. The time where my children are sick and I do the things that my mother did to make me feel better or help mend their first heartbreak or check in on them while sleeping. I crave the school plays and dance recitals. I want it soooo bad and have this deep sinking feeling that it will never happen.
Right now.....I do not have the strength to pick myself up and dust myself off and try again right now. My strength will come back. I just need a little time to lie down for a little while. However, there is panic in that. time is slipping away. I hear people say over and over again...you are young...you have tons of time. However, we have been trying for 7 years....how much longer. We have goals. We have always wanted a big family and to be fairly young parents. Those plans seem done. It has taken us so long to even get one.
I am so sorry for the debbie downer mood. I just need to get it off my chest. My heart is breaking or broken. I know it will mend just needs time.
As many of you know or maybe you dont know my husband and I having been trying to have kids.....adopt kids......just get kids period! And as many as you know it has been pretty difficult for us. Normally I can buck up and get over it. Keep my chin up and keep going. However, after this last heartbreak it has been more difficult for me.
I dont want to get into a lot of detail. We have been trying to adopt a little girl for the past couple of years. This week were suppose to finally get her!! I have been excited but cautious due to our past experinces. However, as time went on this past week it seemed my dream of wanting to be mother was finally coming true. Once again though, we have hit a wall. It is one that we can possible get over but it is a big wall that is going to take time.
I know most of you are saying....but Amanda you can get over a wall. you can go around it or knock it down. Sometimes I feel I don't have the strength to do that anymore. It is hard to jump over the wall, get up , dust yourself off again, put your chin up and smile over and over again. I am tired and just want to lay down but there is panic in that.
People have often said to me isn't there peace in knowing that you have done everything you can....that there are no more what ifs or should I try this after you have done everything you possible can. There is but there is also panic there. When we first started this journey nearly seven years ago....we had tons and years of options in front of us. It is not like that anymore. We are on a one way street that is a no drive thru. I feel closed in at times and struggle with the urge to scream.
We have tried everything....years of infertility treatment....IVF....adoptions..... We are actually with an agency now and I have submitted on over 12 kids and not picked for one. I feel that for some reason the Lord has a sheet over our family. Like he is making us invisible for some reason. I keep hoping and praying because it is for something even better than I can imagine. Like he is saving us for something special. However hope is a hard time to maintain. I hope I am making sense. I just feel I need to get this out there. I often have people share stories about friends they know who are in th same boat eventually got pregnant or adopted...or once they adopted got pregnant or go pregnant when they stopped trying. I want to scream at them and say "for every story you have I have one too of someone trying for years and never having kids." There are couples out there that are childless and I don't mean the ones by choice. It is just not in the cards for everyone. However, when I say that I get ...."well think of how many kids lives you can effect. A child does not have to be yours to effect them." I WANT MY OWN!!!! I love working with the youth but I want to be called mom or hear my kids running and screaming dad when my husband comes home. I want that.
I want to be a mother more than anything I know. I crave those evenings with children where we go to the park or play with the dog or get to take them on a fun family vacation. I even crave the hard times. The time where my children are sick and I do the things that my mother did to make me feel better or help mend their first heartbreak or check in on them while sleeping. I crave the school plays and dance recitals. I want it soooo bad and have this deep sinking feeling that it will never happen.
Right now.....I do not have the strength to pick myself up and dust myself off and try again right now. My strength will come back. I just need a little time to lie down for a little while. However, there is panic in that. time is slipping away. I hear people say over and over again...you are young...you have tons of time. However, we have been trying for 7 years....how much longer. We have goals. We have always wanted a big family and to be fairly young parents. Those plans seem done. It has taken us so long to even get one.
I am so sorry for the debbie downer mood. I just need to get it off my chest. My heart is breaking or broken. I know it will mend just needs time.
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